An Open Letter
April 19, 2007
Dear Jeans Manufacturers of the World:
I love your jeans. I really do. But if there was any way you could just add one more measly inch of fabric in the back, so that those of us afflicted with Junk in the Trunk (TM) would not have to flash our underwear choices to the world and avoid conspiratorial smiles with the be-mutton-chopped nasty perv weirdo who lurks around the library and is sitting directly behind us, we would vastly appreciate it. You see, some of your consumers actually are not shaped like sticks. Some of us actually have thighs of some sort (crazy, isn’t it?) that require us to buy larger sized jeans in order to be able to shove said thighs into said jeans, leaving an ill-fitting MESS, wherein nothing really fits and tops of jeans slide down, a.) creating the dread muffintop, and b.) drastically increading chances of BUTT FLASHAGE. We would rather appreciate it if you would actually consider the variety of female body parts next time you’re coming up with a design.
Also, if you were to make the inner-thigh area of slightly tougher material we would really appreciate it. Strangely, not everyone has room to drive a Buick through the gap between their legs.
A vaguely ranty customer.